I had a very interesting conversation with a friend of mine this morning, the topic, my latest failed relationship. She has been with her man for about 10 years and is adamant that I will be single for the rest of my life if I do not accept the simple complexities of love and relationships. Her theory is as a woman there are certain aspects of dating and love that we need to submit to. See, she is of the old school notion that mosadi o tshwara thipa ka bogaleng, loosely translated means a woman holds the knife b y the blade. Meaning, in a relationship, a women should hold on, despite all pains and basically Just Be Strong.....mmmmmmmmmh, I'm not sure I can be that woman despite the hope of having my own family, a husband and the kids and the dogs with the white fence etc etc....
So I pose the question, as women and men, are we suppose to settle for any partner so that we wont be lonely for the rest of my lives? Are we supposed to get into substandard relationships and work on "changing"and "training" our chosen partners til death do us part? I believe that you can't change someone. Should your partner be an ass when you meet him and 5 years down the line he's a perfect gentleman then he decided to change himself for you, you influenced the situation but ultimately, he did it...some people still remain asses 10 years later, despite your best efforts, just coz that's who they choose to be. Acknowledging that yes, no one is perfect, should we be quick to drop a relationship that's just not working or hold onto for hope that a better day will come and that with heavy work it can turn it into something we can happily be a part of.
On the flip side, if we are intolerant to certain traits and tendencies found in individuals we might end up being bachelors and spinsters til old age or divorcees. I mean unless we are lucky enough to find "the One" and live happily ever after, we have to kiss a couple of frogs and maybe one of them is a prince.
What requirements should a potential life partner have before you decide that he/she is the one you'll say I do to? What traits are you tolerating to be with the one you are with? What tendancies are you willing to overlook coz you love him/her? How do we find the balance?
Are we settling for the sake of settling down?
Lee, exactly as you say, what are you willing to put up with? What are your expectations from a partner, and consider them. Are they reasonable expectations? Sometimes, we have to sit back, take our emotions out of the equation, and assess the situation. If you know the guy well enough, make a list of good and bad, and weigh it up that way. Use logic instead of emotions.
ReplyDeleteAs for finding a new guy, I am not sure why people say opposites attract. I believe that it is the things you have in common that will keep you together. What are your interests? What values and morals do you consider important? You have to find a partner that shares similar traits. I am not saying that you have to agree on everything - how boring would that be!! You have to have a good argument now and then. Nobody wants to be a door mat. But generally, you and your partner should be on the same wavelength
There is a lot that you would accept and overlook from your partner, because you love them, kind of like rose-coloured spectacles. Why would you want to change them - what was it about them that attracted you in the first place.
A relationship is a give and a take. If you are always the one compromising, that for me is a problem. You have to have your way too. Don't become stubborn about it though. If you are gonna fight for something, it must make sense. Above all, you have to communicate. Guys are not wired the same as girls. They can't smell if you are unhappy about something.
Ok, I'm done with my newspaper - hope it makes sense. Best of luck!!
wow!!!! thanks for that well informed comment Megan. It's nice having a married woman setting it straight....thank you for your perspective!!!!
ReplyDeleteI am no expert.
ReplyDeletePartners should be friends cause friends share their inner thoughts,dreams,passion and goals. Communication is key and what better person to have that open channel with than your best friend who happens to be your partner.
Partners should be supportive of one another, in that way motivation,encouragment an occasional kick in the ass, makes one strive to be a better person,friend,lover etc.
acceptance of imperfections on both sides, helps with working towards improving for the sake of the other half. With outmost support and understanding from your spouse/partner, one will always try not to dissapoint but will not always succeed.
With relationships comes sacrifice (meeting each other half way). Should one want it less/more, then it is destined to fail. There is no point in showering one with love and wishing one day it will be returned. Relationship is no Karma.
The above mentioned is the easy part.
Letting IN a somewhat stranger into your inner most deepest thoughts,secrets,body, mind and heart is the difficult part. Because there are no gaurantees.
i am in a great relationship and i have learned a few things from it. Good men still exist and they are not that hard to find. This man that i am so in love with right now is amazing. I mean my opinions matter to him, i know that because he really listens when i speak. When he looks at me its with love. When we go out together, with friends or his family he doesn't change; he treats me the same no matter where we are. I only have to put with the fact that if he farts, he smiles, looks at me and says 'askies' and we both laugh about it.rom it. Good men still exist and they are not that hard to find. This man that i am so in love with right now is amazing. I mean my opinions matter to him, i know that because he really listens when i speak. When he looks at me its with love. When we go out together, with friends or his family he doesn't change; he treats me the same no matter where we are. I only have to put with the fact that if he farts, he smiles, looks at me and says 'askies' and we both laugh about it.
ReplyDelete